Punch you in the gut moments…

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That is what my sister-in-law calls them.

I was sitting on the porch in Carmine, Texas over Christmas vacation.

My first moment alone in a few weeks.

Birds were singing.

The sun was setting.

The wind was picking up.

And I realized.

I had lost three children in the past year.

Three.

One miscarriage last Christmas Eve.

A miscarriage of twins in late September.

I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath.

Oh Dear Father, find me again.  Here is this quiet moment, I need you.  I know I need you.  Fill me with gentleness and love.  Grip my heart tightly.  I need you to hold me together today.

I heard the front door open and was shaken back into the now.

It was my love.  He saw me sitting alone and came out to check on me.

{He knows I am not usually an alone person.}

Oh Dear Father, thank you.  You always answer me.  Always.

There are still days I feel myself quieter.  It’s as if I am scared to talk because I might become a weepy mess.  I might become undone.

Other days, I’m just fine.  I feel the sun.  I feel God’s love and grace pouring over me.

He has me in His Hands.  He has me in His Grip and He will not let go.

I will rest.  I will walk through this moment and not tiptoe around it.  I will feel His strong arms around me.  I will take comfort in the kind actions of His creation.

Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
 
Psalm 126:5

Wendy Hagen - So sorry about your losses. Brutal. Just brutal. Love that verse!

Honey - Hi Kate,
I can understand your pain. I have had three miscarriages as well. We had 2 miscarriages the year I became pregnant with the twins. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to carry them to term and then deliver healthy babies. The twins are almost 3 now. Your post brought back lots of memories for me.
I pray that God lifts you up and carries you through this time.
Blessings
Honey

Tahnie - I am so sorry for your heartache the past year. I have never had a miscarriage, but did lose my one and only sister when she was much too young. I hope this year shows you the joy in this world. Don’t stop believing…my daughter is almost a year old and there are only 5 other women in the world with my disease who have been able to bring children into this world. Miracles do happen.

Krystina Montemurro - that’s too much Kate. I am so sorry. I have only had one loss, ever, and it was so hard. I can’t imagine. I hope that 2011 brings no such thing to you and you experience much joy and peace. sending you lots of love and (((hugs))) xoxo