That is what my sister-in-law calls them.

I was sitting on the porch in Carmine, Texas over Christmas vacation.

My first moment alone in a few weeks.

Birds were singing.

The sun was setting.

The wind was picking up.

And I realized.

I had lost three children in the past year.

Three.

One miscarriage last Christmas Eve.

A miscarriage of twins in late September.

I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath.

Oh Dear Father, find me again. Here is this quiet moment, I need you. I know I need you. Fill me with gentleness and love. Grip my heart tightly. I need you to hold me together today.

I heard the front door open and was shaken back into the now.

It was my love. He saw me sitting alone and came out to check on me.

{He knows I am not usually an alone person.}

Oh Dear Father, thank you. You always answer me. Always.

There are still days I feel myself quieter. It’s as if I am scared to talk because I might become a weepy mess. I might become undone.

Other days, I’m just fine. I feel the sun. I feel God’s love and grace pouring over me.

He has me in His Hands. He has me in His Grip and He will not let go.

I will rest. I will walk through this moment and not tiptoe around it. I will feel His strong arms around me. I will take comfort in the kind actions of His creation.