The last few weeks, I’ve been wrapped up in how I should feel – grateful, thankful, happy, and all those other nice things.

I haven’t wanted to admit how I really feel – nauseous, nervous, annoyed at being nauseous and nervous, and tired.

I think a lot about what next year is going to look like. I worry that we will start to seem like two separate families – Julia and Nate with one set of memories and Riley and the baby with a different set of memories. But I’m not supposed to tell you that, right? I’m supposed to be overjoyed. This is all an impossible miracle. That alone means that I am supposed to be able to banish any negative thoughts from existence.

This season of Advent seems to make it all seem a little bigger. I’m supposed to be decorating and happy.

(Wow – this is a lot of supposed-tos).

I keep thinking about preparing my heart. How can I really get heart into a place where He is welcome here?

I’m going to listen to music a little more.

I’m going to light candles and make the house smell amazing.

And I’m going to think about Mary. When she learned that she was with child, what did she do? She proclaimed His glory!

Totally not the reaction I would have had. Here I am pregnant, with all of the modern conveniences in the world, and my heart still isn’t quite in a state of praise.

Read her song of praise:

Luke 1:46-50   46 And Mary said: “My soul exalts the Lord, 47 And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. 48 “For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave; For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed. 49 “For the Mighty One has done great things for me; And holy is His name.

So, while I am having a hard time coming up with my own song of praise, I will borrow her beautiful words.