There is a plaque on my desk that says, “share your story, to set someone else free.”

My sweet friend, Cindy, gave that to me years ago and encouraged me in my writing. I look at that plaque every day and wonder why I don’t write more about our days.

In July 2017, I wrote My Riley. I glossed over attachment disorder and lumped them in with dyslexia and optic nerve hypoplasia.

In September, 2017, I gave an update on dyslexia. I fully intended to write an update about RAD, but never did.

Sharing about reactive attachment disorder feels tricky to me. Riley is this incredible gift who has taught me more about love than anyone on this earth. I want his days to be beautiful and calm. I want his childhood to be happy and carefree. By sharing some of my journey of parenting with RAD, my prayer is that those who need to know they are not alone will find it.

I know that God gave us community to pray and give respite and love unconditionally, but the need to be understood or accepted or to live comfortably behind smiling pictures must fade into the background.

Our parents and neighbors have been my first living, breathing example of unconditional understanding. They have chosen to stand beside us and follow our lead on how to react to behavior that doesn’t always make sense. They have chosen to support us when we parent one child differently. They have chosen to be all-in right along side of us. It is very humbling when someone that didn’t fill out any paperwork or sit through any classes on RAD becomes one of your biggest advocates for your child. I will always be thankful for our safety net of friends and family who keep us going.

To everyone Riley meets, he is a good friend. He is kind and helpful and thoughtful. Last month, at his fun run, he ran with his friend D – who sat in a wheelchair, laughing together the whole time. This is the confusing part of RAD. The people who are pushed away are the caregivers. Years ago, our transition counselor gently explained that a day would come that he would probably try to push us away, just to see if we would stay. I shrugged it off, absolutely sure that our home was so full of love and prayer that we would never see that. To this day, I wish I could call her up and ask her ten million questions about what she meant and what she had seen. I wish I could ask her for any hopeful story where she has seen a very happy ending. I wish I could tattoo the word stuck on his arm so he’d know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we aren’t going anywhere. We are his. Forever.

A few weeks ago on Instagram, my dear friend Denise shared this prayer with me: “That Riley will have no attachment disorder with the Lord our God, and be able to attach to Him, and trust Him, and grasp His love that is higher and wider and deeper and longer than we can grasp or imagine, a love Riley can count on and can never be separated from. I also pray Riley will have saving faith and saving life in Jesus. I pray for God to use Riley’s story for His glory, and for the saving of many lives. In Jesus’ more than capable Name, Amen.”

Just reading it again brings me to tears. And suddenly I remember. There is someone else out there who needs this prayer. There is someone else out there who needs to know they are not on this journey alone. It is selfish and fearful of me to sit quietly behind the hard days.

If you, dear one, are on the same journey, please let me share what has helped.

Resources for Parenting a Child with RAD:

• Empowered to Connect – A dear friend with multiple, international adoptions shared this video series with me. It has been an absolute lifeline of answers to many of our questions.
• Any information from Karyn Purvis – She is truly a remarkable resource in this field. She passed away in 2016, but left us with an incredible legacy. If you simply google her name,  books, facebook pages, and other support groups will be easy to find.
• This post – What I Wish You Knew About Parenting a Child With RAD – a resounding yes to everything
• Music by Audrey Assad – specifically “I Shall Not Want” and “Good to Me”
• Books – The Connected Child and The Whole-Brain Child
• This post – The Monastic Bell of Motherhood – There is a beautiful dying to self that must happen every moment of motherhood. I know, I know – that’s not what the trend of self-care tells us  right now. But children with RAD need us to tread lightly with that trend. Yes, ask for respite. Yes, seek rest. But there is another way to do that. We can say ‘no’ to the busy life that promises so much that we end up absolutely empty with no time left to give to our family. We can say ‘yes’ to nights at home with structure and predictability, building a safety net for our child. THIS is what we said yes to, after all. Now we just need to do it. I’m cheering for you!