You and I snuck out together to Toys R Us. You wandered the store twice, not knowing exactly what you wanted for your birthday. We almost settled on scented crayons, but you decided to keep looking. You found a really cool yo-yo and we decided to get it. We giggled as we dodged rare little desert raindrops on the way back to the car.

We headed to Red Lobster to meet up with the rest of the family. On the way there, you asked fifty times what they had on the menu. You were thrilled that they had smoothies and couldn’t wait to order one.

We arrived first and we snuggled together on the bench and took selfies. You made the funniest faces that I tried to copy, then you gave the sweetest smile when I kissed the top of  your head.

We were seated in the bar, which made me laugh. A family of seven with little ones in tow probably seems loud and busy to most people. We ordered quickly and pulled out the toys. Dinner was delicious and we told them it was your birthday. They brought you an ice cream sundae that you didn’t really want to share. You decided to let Mary Alice have one bite and that made everyone happy. When you blew out your candle, you said your wish out-loud.

You wished for a new mom.

You quickly changed your wish to be something about toys, but the words were out there.

I actually didn’t hear them at the table, but found out later what you had said. When I heard them, I felt like I stopped breathing. The words hung in the air, heavy and gray.

I’ve asked God all the next day to show me what to do and how to help you feel safe and loved. He gently reminded me that I was told this would happen. Every so often, you will push me away to see if I will abandon you. You will hold me at arms length to see if I stand and hold tight to my role as your mom. You will say things that hurt to see what my reaction will be.

Well, my dearest Riley, you are stuck with me. I will stand here, loving everything about you. I will close my eyes and pray for your heart to know Jesus and your life to be beautiful. I will not run and hide. I will love you fiercely, because you are so special. You are mine, Riley, and I am yours.

We are gonna get through this.

I know that you are just on loan to me from our heavenly Father, but every breath of mine is to purposed to show you that you are loved.