I’ve been putting off writing this as I processed so many thoughts and emotions. I’m going to fast forward through the rest of summer and go back later to write it. That’s ok, right? You guys don’t mind, do you?

Well, everything they’ve said about leaving for college is true.

It’s awkward and hard and sweet and amazing and big and exciting and expensive.

It’s all of my feelings about everything exaggerated on my face right there for my sweet checker at Fry’s to see. It’s the ridiculous amount of times I’ve driven through Starbucks this summer, hoping for something familiar and kind and tasty to distract my thoughts. It’s the way I’ve cried out to Our Blessed Mother asking her how we are supposed to let go when it hurts so badly.

One of my friends told me, ‘If it hurts, that just means we loved well, right?’. I think she’s right.

Before my thoughts get lost in the astonishing way that life moves forward, I want to write down what I think went well so that I can remember this in a few years when I say goodbye to my Nate.

Remember the Memories

Julia and I took one night a week her senior year and spent it in her room together. I bought boxes and bubble wrap and we would tackle one shelf or box at a time. If she wanted to keep something for her forever home, we wrapped it carefully and labeled it. I knew that if I took her to college and came back to her room just the way it was, I might collapse in a pile of tear stained pringles. I figured the way to best avoid eating my way through packing her room was to have her help me.

The unintended side effect was a gift of stories and memories and priorities that came spilling out of her sweet heart. I quietly observed as she sorted through years of cards and pictures and letters written by family and friends. I watched as she chose which would make the first proverbial purge of the things she had collected. I listened as she laughed and shared memories of her silly and magical childhood. I filled in the gaps when she couldn’t remember which year it was we visited the Grand Canyon, smiling that our little family had created a life worth remembering. I studied her long fingers as she saved every letter from her grandparents and great grandparents, trying not to ever influence what she was decided to keep and let go of.

I gradually became less overwhelmed at the thought of packing her room. At the end of the summer, she helped me rearrange and create a room that will be shared by Sebastian and Mary Alice, eventually once Sebastian decides to start sleeping through the night. Now, when I go into her room, I still see her in there, but I see the next chapter and not the past.

Hear them when they want to spend time with their friends

When Julia would ask to spend time with her friends, I initially heard her words as ‘not spend time with the family’. Once I was able to tell her how I was feeling, she reassured me that this was not what she intended, at all.

She helped me to understand that she knew her family would always be there, but that her friends would go in different directions. She felt a true urgency to spend time with them, saying goodbyes and thank yous. We compromised on having many events at our home, filling the house with music and laughter and late nights and sweet friends.

I’m not always good at hearing what someone is really saying when it involves not including me in something. I want to remember that she was saying something that had not as much to do with me as it did with her needing to love on her friends.

{To be continued…}